Unshackled: Why Being Disliked Is the Key to Freedom

Jan 20

Written By Alex Park

Introduction

1. Trauma Does Not Exist

2. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

3. Separation of Tasks

4. Horizontal Relationships vs. Vertical Relationships

5. True Happiness Comes from Others

Conclusion

Introduction

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Okay, now, who’s the prettiest of them all? Yeah, but who’s the strongest? And the richest? Smartest…?”

In modern society, it’s easy to succumb to peer pressure, compete with one another, and seek approval from the public to feel happy.

We might think, “If only I were more attractive, had a degree from a prestigious university, earned a high salary, and had more followers on social media, then I would truly be happy.” But is that really the key to happiness?

The book The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga offers an eye-opening philosophical perspective that pushes back against this idea.

This book explores the thoughts of Alfred Adler, a well-known psychologist whose ideas are weaved into a series of dialogues between a wise philosopher and a curious young man over five nights.

It’s a thought-provoking, mind-lingering, and game-changing read that inspired this post I write before you today. As we explore important themes from this book, we will consider how our fears, insecurities, and need for approval affect our lives and happiness as teachers and students.

Warning: Some of these ideas may be controversial and treat situations in a black-and-white fashion. However, I appreciate the underlying nuggets of truth that I hope can help you all tune out the haters and achieve more freedom in life.

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off!
- Kansas City Chiefs Tight End Travis Kelce’s girlfriend

1. Trauma Does Not Exist

I’m never going back. The past is in the past. Let it go!
- Elsa

Oof. Off to a great start…

The title of this piece is not clickbait; it’s actually one of the titles in the book. While this may trigger an emotional response, let me explain.

The philosopher differentiates between “etiology” (the study of causes) and “teleology” (the study of purpose). He points out that while difficult experiences can shape us, we should focus more on the “effect” rather than the “cause.”

According to the philosopher:

No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.

I want to approach this topic delicately.

Think about two people who both went through a traumatic car crash. One person might find positive ways to cope and eventually get back on the road driving, while the other might struggle to move forward and avoid driving altogether.

Both individuals have experienced the same event (the trauma), but their lives turn out differently based on how they interpret what happened to them.

From an etiology perspective (again, the study of causes), the effect of trauma is often seen as lasting negativity, which we know is not the case for everyone. Teleology (the study of purpose) suggests we can change the meaning we assign to our past experiences.

The philosopher also explains that our emotions are “made up” by the stories we tell ourselves. For example, feeling angry when someone cuts us off in traffic isn’t an actual “effect” of a cause; we create the emotion to justify our sudden outburst and horn-honking.

In the end, we are not defined by our past. We have the ability to choose how our past experiences will impact our lives now and into the future.

We just need the courage to change.

Trauma Does Not Exist (Teacher Edition)

Dear teachers,

It’s important to remind the students that their past does not 100% determine what they do today or in the future.

Try an exercise where you simulate a “cause” in your classroom.

One engaging way to demonstrate this is through a classroom exercise. For example, try giving them a college-level quiz with only two minutes to complete.

After the time is up, ask the students to write down one “effect” of the experience on a sticky note. You’ll soon see a variety of reactions. Some may feel frustrated, angry, or confused, while others might see the situation's ridiculousness and choose to respond with laughter.

This shows us that a single cause does not lead to the same effect for everyone. While this may seem obvious, it reminds students not to blame external factors when, in many cases, the real issue lies with themselves.

Another idea is to have students share a negative experience, but it's important to handle this topic carefully. Before the volunteers talk about how they felt afterward, ask the class to write down one possible effect of the situation. After that, the volunteers can finally share their actual interpretation. This will help everyone see how different perspectives can shape our understanding.

This observation brings to light an important lesson: our past experiences and emotions do not automatically define us. In fact, we have the power to shape the influence of our past and emotions on our lives.

Ultimately, we can choose how they affect us and, in turn, create the lifestyle we desire.

Trauma Does Not Exist (Student Edition)

Dear students,

I want to clarify that your struggles and challenges growing up have influenced who you are today.

I’ve seen some of my students grow up without a father, lose loved ones to drugs and crime, experience abuse, etc. It’s heartbreaking.

So, I write this piece to offer words of encouragement. That’s why I plan to write separate columns like this for students navigating life or anyone else out there who accidentally clicked on the wrong link that got them here.

When the book states that “trauma does not exist,” it does not mean that your past doesn’t matter and that you should completely get over it. Instead, the philosopher invites us to reframe how we look at our past.

For example, some of you may have gone through traumatic experiences that I will never know of. But will your past prevent you from achieving the future you desire?

The philosopher argues that our past has no physical bearing on what we do today. It doesn’t dictate our present actions or future opportunities.

Perhaps you performed on stage as a child and suddenly forgot your lines when it was your turn to speak. Now, everyone is looking at you, whispering, sneering, laughing, or awkwardly staring right back. Maybe you have vowed never to take the stage again.

But does that memory physically stop you from standing in the limelight in front of everyone? The only thing stopping you is… you.

Here’s the key: don’t allow your past to hold you back from seeking the life you desire. Resilience is a powerful theme in countless stories and movies. Embrace your journey, learn from your experiences, and strive for the future you envision. Remember, it’s never too late to rewrite your narrative.

Your past does not define you—it’s just a part of your story.

Life is not about how many times you fall down. It’s about how many times you get back up.
- Jaime Escalante

2. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.
– Denis Waitley

We’re Com-pear-ing Apples to Oranges

What is one thing you dislike about yourself?

If you had asked me in the past, I probably would have said I wished I were taller. Maybe you want clearer skin, to lose a few pounds, or to have more money.

But why do we feel that way?

For me, wanting to be tall comes from comparing myself to other people. If you asked for my ideal height, I’d say 6’4.” But then I might ask, why not aim for a height of 10 feet so I’m the same height as a basketball rim, or even 20 feet, making me taller than a giraffe?

It’s because, deep down, we only compare ourselves to others, not to inanimate objects or animals, and this comparison leads to our feelings of insecurity. Our problems stem from other people, whether they enact them on us or we create them ourselves, but so do our solutions (more on this later).

What if you were the only person on this earth? Would that dislike still matter? Would any of your dislikes matter at all?

In this lesson, the philosopher goes as far as to say that if you were the only person on this earth, all your problems would disappear. Do with that how you will.

Inferiority Complex vs. Superiority Complex

You think you’re better than me?!
- Happy Gilmore

The philosopher further explores the ideas of the “inferiority complex” and the “superiority complex.”

He points out that everyone experiences “feelings of inferiority,” which can motivate a “pursuit of superiority.” This drive to improve is natural for us to look for ways to improve our lives, whether through work, relationships, or learning.

However, problems arise when people believe their “feelings of inferiority” are why they can’t reach their goals.

For instance, someone might think they can't have a successful career because they didn’t attend college. This “inferiority complex” illustrates how a perceived “cause” can irrationally lead to a desired “effect.”

Additionally, if someone struggles with “feelings of inferiority” and lacks the courage to make positive changes through their “pursuit of superiority,” they might try to compensate by taking an easier way out.

This is known as the “superiority complex,” where individuals act as if they are better than others. This can show up in behaviors like bragging about themselves, exaggerating past accomplishments, or even putting others down.

The key takeaway is that although inferiority and superiority complexes seem like opposites, they actually overlap in many ways.

So, how do these interpersonal relationship problems apply to the classroom?

All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems (Teacher Edition)

Dear teachers,

We’ve heard the stereotype of the “overachiever teacher”—the one that always seems to be on top of everything. Perhaps you wish to be more like Mr. or Mrs. “Teacher of the Millennium” and be more organized, experienced, or positive.

If you compare yourself to others and gain a “feeling of inferiority,” remember that this is a natural response to seek ways to improve our lives.

For example, you can click here to build better organizational habits or click here to mimic computer algorithms to organize your life.

Anyway, consider these steps:

Identify the specific traits (the ones you can control) contributing to your feelings of inferiority.
Challenge the belief that these traits define your effectiveness as a teacher (separate the “cause” from the “effect”). You can still make a significant impact without possessing every quality you admire.
Focus on the “pursuit of superiority” in that area to enhance your personal growth.

It's important to recognize that if you want to improve certain aspects of your life, you should do it for your own sake and personal growth. Trying to better yourself solely to gain approval from others will lead to living a life for others instead of yourself.

Also, if you often feel inadequate compared to other teachers, it could lead to the development of an inferiority or superiority complex, both of which are unhealthy approaches to your career.

For example, a teacher with an inferiority complex may constantly doubt their abilities or avoid leadership roles due to a fear of judgment.

On the other hand, a teacher with a superiority complex might dismiss feedback from lesson observations or consistently try to assert dominance over students and colleagues.

Remember, comparing yourself to other teachers to improve is a natural part of learning. However, if you use your shortcomings as an excuse to avoid becoming a great teacher, you may lack the courage to change your life.

All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems (Student Edition)

Dear students,

Like teachers, your job as a student is not necessarily competing with your classmates. Your grades, sports achievements, extracurricular activities, and followers on social media do not define who you are.

Let’s think about why schools exist.

This is a big topic, but many experts agree that schools should somehow help you fit into society. I believe schools can do more to make this happen, but that can be discussed later.

If you think school mainly prepares you for college, you might feel like you’re competing with others to get into your preferred university. But are you and all your colleagues applying to the same university?

Imagine you get accepted; what is the purpose of higher education? Maybe it’s to help you specialize in a field so you can find a job. But do you still need to compete? Are you all applying for the same job with the same employer?

On the other hand, if you believe school is meant to teach basic knowledge for starting work at 18, are you also applying for the same job with the same employer?

Once you graduate from either college or high school and land the job you want, who is your competition then? Maybe it’s your coworkers as you all aim for promotions.

Imagine you get the promotion you’ve been wanting. What happens next, and who do you compete against? Perhaps it’s other managers as you try to move up the company ladder to become the CEO.

What if you reach the top? Maybe you want to be a millionaire, and now you’re competing with other aspiring millionaires to earn the most money.

This competition can feel endless. Why? Because it is endless!

You might end up living a life focused only on outdoing others. But this has its problems.

You may tie your self-worth to what others achieve.
What if you stop “winning”? Does that mean your life is a failure? When will you feel satisfied? Is it when you have a six-figure salary? Is that what you want, or are you chasing a certain status by comparing yourself to others? If you don’t know when enough is enough, could it be that what you have right now is enough?
What if the people you think you’re competing with don’t even know it? What if they care more about raising a family? What if they enjoy dedicating their off-time traveling around the world? What if they work in jobs that don’t interest them?

Let’s reel it back in. If you’re a student reading this, you are not living the same life as someone else.

However, if you feel “inferior” to others around you, try to figure out why you feel that way. Also, remember that just because you feel “inferior” doesn’t mean it’s an excuse for you to avoid getting what you want in life. As mentioned, the “cause” does not directly produce the “effect.”

If you think that improving yourself will make you happy without needing the approval of others, then go for it. Choose your own life and live your own life.

3. Separation of Tasks

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
- Some Dusty Old Proverb

In this part of the book, the philosopher claims that according to Adlerian psychology, the concept of “tasks” plays a significant role in navigating our daily lives and relationships.

So, what exactly do we mean by tasks? Simply put, tasks are the things we can control and influence—our choices and actions.

Think about your daily routine: when you brush your teeth, decide what to eat, choose your outfit, or share a funny story, you are engaging in your own tasks. These are all things within your control.

However, problems arise when we start confusing someone else’s tasks with our own or intruding on their responsibilities instead. This confusion can prevent us from experiencing true freedom.

Let’s consider some everyday examples.

Imagine you tell a joke that doesn’t quite land; all you hear are crickets. Suddenly, you feel embarrassed. What happens here? You’re mixing up tasks. While telling the joke was your task, how others respond is theirs.

If you react in frustration and demand laughter because you thought the joke was funny, you’re not recognizing that you’re intruding on their task of responding.

This dynamic can extend to our professional lives, too. Take the feeling of uncertainty about your boss’s opinion of you.

If you become preoccupied with whether your boss likes you, you’re again confusing tasks. Your boss’s feelings are his or her task, not yours.

If you start flattering your boss excessively to secure their approval, you’re intruding on their task of forming those judgments.

This kind of task confusion occurs often in our relationships, whether at work or in our personal lives. It’s crucial to learn how to separate our tasks from those of others.

A great practice is to ask yourself, “Whose task is it, anyway?” By doing this and becoming more aware of the boundaries around tasks, we can reclaim our sense of freedom and improve our interactions with others.

Whose Task Is It, Anyway?

Welcome to “Whose Line Is It Anyway?,” the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter!
- Drew Carey

Imagine this scenario: you’re excitedly rummaging through your wardrobe, and there it is—your favorite blazer, just waiting to shine.

But as you reach for it, a voice in your head pipes up, “Isn’t that a bit much for today?”

This is when we need to pause and challenge that internal dialogue. Let’s ask ourselves, “Whose task is it, anyway?”

If you find yourself loving the outfit but worry that others may perceive you as “overdressed,” it’s time to recognize that you’re mixing your own freedom of choice with the expectations of others. How others think of what you’re wearing is their task, not yours.

Think about it—when we muddle our life decisions with what we think others might think, we often create irrational, sometimes inaccurate, scenarios in our minds. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and frustration over something that ultimately doesn’t matter.

Remember, your choices are yours to make. When you separate your tasks from the tasks of others, you reclaim the joy of being authentically yourself.

So the next time you hear that inner critic, take a moment to reflect and remind yourself: whose task is it, anyway? Live your life, not the life of others.

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

There are times... when any visitor — in person, by phone, by mail — is an intruder, a burglar, a space hogger, an oxygen taker, a chaos maker, a conflict inducer, a mood chaser, and a total drag.
- Toni Cade Bambara

We've all experienced it: when our tasks start to intrude on someone else’s responsibilities. This is often seen when one person imposes their expectations on another.

You need to clean more around here. We share the same space.
You should start going to the gym. Look at my biceps.
I think you should stop eating meat. You’re contributing to climate change.
You should change your degree. People who graduate with that don’t make much money.

The intrusion on other people’s tasks is endless.

Recently, I took part in a “Secret Santa” event with my colleagues, where we exchanged gifts based on names drawn from a hat. The person I drew happened to be an enthusiast of brewing his own alcohol like wine, beer, and mead. Our conversations have even drifted to the world of Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, a breathtaking game set in the early Viking era.

With that in mind, I decided to gift him a Viking-themed drinking ox horn. I genuinely enjoy the process of gift-giving and think I have a knack for choosing thoughtful presents.

However, it's important to remember that my task was simply to buy a gift. The recipient’s job is to express their feelings—gratitude, laughter, or even disappointment—about what they received.

While I hope my coworker will appreciate the horn, it's unhealthy for me to dwell on his potential reaction or to fixate on his actual response after the fact. His feelings are his tasks, not mine.

This concept can also apply to school environments. Each individual has their tasks, and it’s crucial to recognize the boundaries that allow each person to thrive without undue pressure from others. When we understand and respect these boundaries, we create a healthier and happier atmosphere for everyone involved.

P.S. He liked my gift. Hook, line, and touchdown!

Separation of Tasks (Teacher Edition)

Dear teachers,

I want to apply this important concept of separating tasks between yourself and students to help cultivate a healthier classroom dynamic and personal fulfillment in our roles.

Many of us have encountered a common challenge: the struggle to find the right balance when it comes to our students’ academic tasks. It’s all too easy for parents—and even teachers—to become overly involved, leading to frustration when students resist studying or face difficulties with their grades.

However, we must remember that the task of academic success ultimately lies with the students.

Teachers provide knowledge, resources, and support to help our students thrive. However, we cannot and should not force them to learn or seek help.

Another common issue is the desire for our students’ approval, which can sometimes complicate our teaching approach. We might inadvertently compromise our teaching style in our quest to be liked.

True freedom in our profession comes from being authentic and delivering our lessons with integrity. Ultimately, it is the students’ task to decide how they feel about us.

By drawing a clear line between our tasks and those of others, we can focus on what we can control—our teaching abilities, lesson quality, and classroom environment. Doing so creates a healthier and more productive experience for ourselves and our students.

Let's embrace this approach and enjoy the teaching journey while respecting our students’ autonomy in their learning process.

Separation of Tasks (Student Edition)

Dear students,

Teachers have their task to teach and guide your learning; it’s ultimately up to you whether you accept it or not.

In terms of relationships, school can be a pretty awkward and confusing place. Sometimes, it feels like you're just following the crowd, while at other times, you're desperately trying to stand out. This balancing act can take a toll on your self-esteem as you worry about how your classmates perceive you.

Here’s the reality: you can’t control how others think of you. However, we can both agree that living your life seeking approval from others isn’t healthy either because you’re tying your self-worth to others. It’s called “self-worth” for a reason.

From the perspective of Adlerian psychology, one of the first steps in navigating these challenges is to identify your personal tasks. These may include attending school, learning new things, and fostering relationships along the way.

Next, I want to address how others can sometimes intrude on your personal tasks and decisions. They may try to tell you how to live your life.

Here are some examples:

If someone no longer wants to be your friend, that’s their task.
If a teacher is displeased with your essay, that’s their task.
If a coach expresses frustration because you arrived five minutes late to practice, that’s their task—though if you want to stay on the team, maybe arrive on time in the future.

On the flip side:

If you don't want to be friends with someone anymore, that’s your task.
If you find yourself procrastinating or not putting as much effort into the schoolwork you submit, that’s your task.
If you kick it with friends and show up late to practice, that’s your task.

Setting boundaries is essential; this is your life to lead. But remember, when others intrude on your tasks, sometimes they come from a genuine place of concern, love, or wisdom.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore everyone around you. Living recklessly might give you a sense of freedom but could also lead to consequences you may not want to face. When someone gives you advice, it’s your task to consider it or not.

Ultimately, you have the power to carve your own path. As you navigate both school and life, focus on understanding your tasks separately from those of others. After all, life is too short to live it for anyone but yourself.

4. Horizontal Relationships vs. Vertical Relationships

If some of the other sections didn't trigger you, this one might take the cake.

In the book, the philosopher argues that no one should “praise” or “rebuke” another.

According to Adlerian psychology, praising someone—such as a child—for doing the dishes can be seen as a form of manipulation. Similarly, rebuking someone for not cleaning their room is also considered manipulation to get them to clean their rooms.

The reason that Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward-and-punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children.

If you think this will be a tough sell to the teaching market, imagine the one trying to sell it in the first place!

One core lesson we often learn in education is that praising students tends to be more effective than rebuking them through criticism or yelling.

However, when strictly viewed through an Adlerian lens, both “praise” and “rebuke” are interpreted as forms of manipulation.

Take the example of Ron Weasley: if a teacher wants him to participate more in class, we might start by asking him an easier question and then shower him with praise afterward. This approach can help boost his confidence, but is it really a genuine encouragement or simply a strategic move?

When I hear the term “manipulation,” I can't help but think that many of us perceive it negatively. If you describe an ex-partner as “manipulative,” it rarely implies they supported your aspirations; instead, it conveys a sense of deceit or control.

This brings me to a crucial question: is all praise really detrimental? The idea that praise is harmful feels overly simplistic and black-and-white to me. Feel free to share your thoughts on this.

So, if we are advised to avoid both praise and rebuke, what’s the alternative? Before we dive into that answer, we need to explore the two types of relationships we can form, as illustrated by Adler.

Let’s take a quick detour.

“Equal But Not The Same”

Alfred Adler introduced the concepts of “vertical relationships” and “horizontal relationships” as the two ways we connect with others.

In simple terms, in a “vertical relationship,” there’s a “superior” and “inferior.” This could be commonly seen in various contexts, such as a parent-child dynamic, a boss-employee relationship, or a teacher-student interaction.

Conversely, “horizontal relationships” operate on the premise that everyone is on the same level. No one is deemed superior or inferior, regardless of their roles or positions in life.

Adler emphasized the importance of an “equal but not the same” approach, highlighting that while we may have different occupations—whether a Fortune 500 CEO, a pizza delivery person, or a full-time housewife/househusband—our worth as individuals is not determined by our titles or roles.

Imagine if teachers and students interacted as equals. If we truly embraced this idea, students wouldn’t refer to us using titles like “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” or “Ms.” Instead, there would be a more egalitarian dynamic in the classroom.

Adler also pointed out that “feelings of inferiority” primarily arise in “vertical relationships.” If we focused on fostering horizontal relationships, where everyone is recognized as “equal but not the same,” we could likely reduce these feelings of inferiority and superiority. By minimizing the need for comparison and competition, we could create a more harmonious social environment.

This comes down to the “feeling of inferiority,” which exists as awareness only within vertical relationships. The philosopher claims that if everyone could build horizontal relationships and view them all as “equal but not the same,” then inferiority and superiority complexes would never emerge.

Lastly, when we praise or rebuke someone, we inadvertently position ourselves as superior, shifting the relationship back into a vertical structure.

As asked earlier, what can teachers do instead? Adler proposed that the key lies in “encouragement.”

The “Encouragement” Approach

Now that we have defined the two types of relationships, we can delve into the “encouragement” approach.

Adler argues that when we “praise” or “rebuke” someone, we may unintentionally “intrude” on their ability to complete their tasks. This creates the “vertical relationship,” and in doing so, we risk mixing our tasks.

Instead of intruding on others’ tasks, we can adopt an “encouragement” approach. This method fosters “horizontal relationships,” where we respect the individual tasks of others while offering our support.

For example, imagine a parent helping their child with homework. Rather than simply directing them to finish their assignments, the parent can seek ways to assist without taking control.

The beauty of the encouragement approach is that it allows people to separate their tasks while offering genuine and non-manipulative support to others.

At the same time, I find this concept both intriguing and perplexing if you’re a kindergarten teacher trying to get through the day. If you’re teaching the younger grades, I feel this idea falters when others require more guidance and, therefore, more “intrusion” on others’ tasks.

However, striking the right balance between supporting students and allowing them the space to explore independently is key to their development.

Anyway, this concept also leads us to an important question: how can we express gratitude when asking for help without resorting to praise?

Adler's philosophy suggests that instead of praising someone for their assistance, it is more meaningful to simply thank them for their help.

Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as ‘good.’ And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom. ‘Thank you,’ on the other hand, rather than being judgment, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.

The above quote of “gratitude” and “contribution” will lead to our final section.

But first, we need to see how we can apply this as teachers and students.

Horizontal Relationships vs. Vertical Relationships
(Teacher Edition)

Dear teachers,

We may not have fully transformed our practices yet, but it's clear that education is moving away from hierarchical structures and toward more guided and facilitative approaches.

My first encounter with this teacher-student shift in the relationship occurred during my time at university. Up until then, my school experiences were primarily vertical.

In my observations, when instruction becomes more facilitative and encourages horizontal relationships among students and teachers, a sense of community and trust-building occurs within the classroom environment. I don’t think this is earth-shattering news to anyone.

If you’re a teacher reading this, you’re probably already familiar with concepts like “guided instruction” or “facilitated instruction.” By incorporating principles from Adlerian psychology, we can see how beneficial it can be to establish horizontal relationships in our classrooms.

For those of you who support the ideas from this book but haven't yet incorporated more horizontal relationships with your students, consider this: envisioning yourself as a “facilitator” rather than a “superior.”

Embracing this mindset may be a start if you wish to establish a collaborative environment where students feel valued and empowered.

Horizontal Relationships vs. Vertical Relationships
(Student Edition)

Dear students,

Growing up, many of us experienced our parents as “authoritative figures,” guiding and controlling much of our lives. If you're nodding along, then we’re in the same boat.

I will let you know that as you get older and leave the house, a lot of those vertical relationships with parents and caretakers tend to become more horizontal over time. Eventually, they see us as functional adults in society. Hopefully.

For those of you still living with your parents, remember that if you want to foster a more horizontal relationship, it requires effort from both sides. You can’t force this on them; it’s also their “task.”

While navigating this change at home can be tricky, the good news is that you may find better luck in creating horizontal relationships with your teachers instead.

In school, there has traditionally been a clear divide between students and teachers, with instructors seen as your “superiors” or “bosses.” However, it’s important to remember that you can’t force your teachers to adopt your perspective either.

If you come across teachers whom you see as mentors, I strongly recommend investing in those relationships. Seek their help and advice when you need it instead of trying to win favor with another teacher who prefers to see themselves as your superior. Shout out to Mrs. Zimmerman, Mrs. Prude, Mr. Wheeler, Coach Lyons, Noreen Rodriguez, and Pam Harris!

Now, let’s shift our focus to relationships among you and your classmates.

A big part of my youth was spent comparing myself to others, often leading to feelings of inferiority.

What I want to emphasize is this: whether you’re the captain of the football team, a freshman auditioning for the drama club, or simply someone who attends school and goes straight home, remember that no one is better than anyone else.

Factors like social media popularity, the number of college acceptance letters, or your family’s annual salary do not determine your worth.

Each of you is “equal but not the same.” If you strive to perceive your friendships through this horizontal lens, you can develop a greater sense of community and personal freedom.

So, as you navigate your relationships, keep this in mind: this journey of connection and understanding is ultimately yours to undertake.

Every single one of you is “equal but not the same.” If you plan to view all of your relationships with your friends horizontally, you may develop a better sense of belonging and community in the world.

But again, this is your task.

5. True Happiness Comes from Others

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.
– Albert Schweitzer

On the last night of his discussions, the philosopher shares a valuable insight that true happiness comes from three important elements:

Self-acceptance
Confidence in others
Contribution to others

Let’s take this step by step.

1. Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is about recognizing and embracing who you are, including your strengths and limitations. It involves understanding what you can’t change and having the courage to improve what you can.

By focusing on yourself and appreciating your unique qualities, you lay the groundwork for happiness. Accepting yourself is not just the first step—it's a powerful leap toward a more fulfilling life. If there are aspects of ourselves that we want to improve, we need the courage to take action.

An example for me would look like this:

As a 5’4” Korean-American, I sometimes wish I were taller or of a different ethnicity for an easier life at times, but I can’t change this.
In my early 20s, I felt scrawny until I committed to a healthier diet and fitness routine. The gym was intimidating at first, but I explored new exercises online and stayed dedicated. I’ve accepted that I may never compete as a Strongman, but I’ve realized that I have no interest in making that a part of my life.
I also accept that I'm not the smartest person around, so I rely on online resources and books to broaden my knowledge. I once thought creating my own website was impossible, yet just a few days of persistence showed me it was actually doable.

2. Confidence in Others

After we learn to accept ourselves, we can focus on caring for those around us. This transformation starts with building “confidence in others.”

Adlerian psychology highlights an important distinction: a big difference between “trust in others” and “confidence in others.”

When we “trust in others,” we often attach conditions to our relationships—like a bank granting loans, expecting a favor in return for every favor given. This mindset creates a transactional cycle, where the underlying question becomes, “What’s in it for me?”

Instead, Adler proposes that if we reframe our thoughts to become “What can I give this person?” we will slowly bring happiness into our lives.

3. Contribution to Others

Lastly, let’s dive into the last step that can transform our lives: the joy of finding ways to “contribute to others.” It’s funny because while our problems come from interpersonal relationships, so does our happiness.

When we learn to contribute to others, we feel valuable and develop a sense of “I am of use to someone.” According to the philosopher, the definition of true happiness is contributing to others around us.

But here’s the kicker: the joy of helping others shouldn’t depend on applause or recognition.

For example, if you find yourself regularly donating to your favorite charity but feeling the need to share the amount of every contribution on social media for attention rather than spreading awareness, it might be time for some self-reflection.

It’s true that we yearn for approval from others. We are social creatures with “tribalism” hardwired into us. We may dress to impress or drive flashy cars, hoping for validation. Yet, when we anchor our self-esteem in what others think, we end up living their lives and not our own.

The moment we embrace the idea that “I am of use to someone,” that unnecessary need for recognition fades away.

Earlier, we discussed the difference between “trusting“ and “having confidence” in others. Instead of asking, “What can I get from this person?” we shift our mindset to, “What can I give to this person?”—and we do so without strings attached. Remember, if we help someone and they don’t appreciate it, that’s their task, not ours.

In times of uncertainty, choose to give back.